Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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