I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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