Pregnant stripper...not hot.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
