I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Vodka?
Forever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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