Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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