Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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