Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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