i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
