ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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