i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
