I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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