so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
