i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
