I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
