Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
