i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
