I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
