my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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