so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
