saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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