Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
