it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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