in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
