Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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