At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
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I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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