Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
