I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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