epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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