im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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