When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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