I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
