Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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