why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
