i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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