I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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