he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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