i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
