My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
