Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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