Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
