This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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