I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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