My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
