the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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