My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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