i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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