You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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