I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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