you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this boner is exhausting
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Randomize
