btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I cannot find my penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
