so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
