Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
