I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
