You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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