You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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