I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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