Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
this hospital has no fireball
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
did you just send me my own nude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?