he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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