I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
